Speak Softly and Chase Lizards with a Big Stick


The mind is capable of incredible things. In just a little over one week, I've been able to navigate my way through a new city without speaking the language, be taught an entire sequence to give an hour and a half Thai massage and deduce whether or not I just ate a piece of fruit or an alien.

However, sometimes the logical mind can get so completely overwhelmed that it plays tricks on you. That was the case for me the other afternoon. After a relaxing morning hanging out in the garden at my guest house, I went to freshen up before getting a mani/pedi with some of my girlfriends. When I walked into my bathroom I noticed something on the window in my shower.


Naturally I thought, "who put half a lizard sticker on my window?"

I waited a few seconds to observe if this new sticker was breathing (and by observe I mean, I closed my eyes, held my breath and chanted "itsjustastickeritsjustasticker") then went on my way to enjoy the rest of my ladies afternoon.

(I believe this was an efficient use of both my time and $9)
When I returned home for the day, I did what any normal girl would do and began blogging in bed. When I finished my post, I noticed something small run across my wall. It was one of the tiny geckos that is commonly seen around here. Now don't get me wrong, I love animals. 15 years of turning down my mom's brisket can attest to that statement. However, I do not like them when they're uninvited in my bedroom (that goes for boys as well).
I ran outside to try and find one of the groundskeepers at the guest house to remove my new roommate, but ran into my friend Lauren instead. Ignoring her protests, I ushered her into my room to have her confirm through shrieking that there was a lizard on my wall. She asked to leave, but I grabbed her by the arm and asked her to just confirm that there was a sticker on the window in my shower as well. When we walked into the bathroom, the sticker had moved.
(One of the Frenchman at my guest house told me a lizard in your room means you're in a sane house. I hope my therapist is reading this...)
We were able to enlist the help of the Thai couple that manages the grounds at the house. I felt much less wimpy when I heard them screaming like little American girls everytime the lizard moved as well. Our strategy to remove the unwanted visitor was to use two extremely large sticks and try to scare it away. After about 15 minutes, lots of shrieking and pouring the sweat of terror from my brow, our lizard friend left presumably the same way he came in.
I begged the couple to put up a mosquito net over my bed since I still had to contend with the other rogue gecko in my room. But they didn't quite understand me, and moved me upstairs to a much nicer room with a double bed, mosquito net and no lizards. Lesson of the day: When life hands you a lizard, make lizardade (I think my 7 year old niece will like that joke).
And just in case you were wondering, we caught it on camera. (Please don't show this to PETA)